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#21
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She has been griping for MONTHS about coming up to help clean and decorate.
I keep refusing because I know that every 10 minutes all I will hear about is what a horrible housekeeper I am and how terrible my decorating sense is. We have been in our new house for right close to 5 months, and she STILL hasn't been in here (because we won't let her mind you). Ohhh sweetie! Between being adopted and this above (and the not feeling "good enough") I think either we or our mothers are related! My mom is wonderful in many ways, but also incredibly controlling and judgemental. She knows where most of my buttons are because she installed 'em. It's amazing. Mike has gone back east with me twice before this coming week, and he's seen it firsthand. I love my mom but I'm very glad for the 2400 miles between us. It gives me a lot more time to prepare for the next invasion. And trust me, if she's been Napoleon's or Hitler's general, they's have taken Russia. I know it's a lot easier to say this than to actually do it, but you need to develop the art of smiling and nodding when she's around, only half-listening (keep your ears on, turn your feelings off), and letting it roll off your back. As long as you and yours are happy with housekeeping, etc., all is well. My mom's house looks like something out of Architectural Digest. She also lives alone and has a couple who come and do heavy cleaning for her. Me, I'm winging it with a reasonably neat man (by man-standards) and two amazingly oblivious kids. They're trainable but it's slow. G And we LIVE in our home, it's not a showplace. Big difference in standards. (And I bet this sounds really familiar, too.) I suspect that, like my mom, yours really wants to come and help you. She doesn't understand that her criticism isn't helpful and she doesn't understand how and why you do things differently. She's probably also frightened for you deep down because childbirth is alien territory for her. My mom was a nurse for many years and she still stayed clear of L&D until she was invited in. She WAS the first person to hold my daughter (I'd sent my ex out, too) but every time she saw my incision she got teary. Some folks respond to being scared that way in odd ways, like telling you "it's not so bad". And I bet she wasn't trying to put you down, but trying to help you get through it...but in a way that didn't work because she didn't understand. I suspect that your mom IS searching for a way to help, a place to fit in to YOUR family. It's not easy for her or for you. Perhaps if you invited her to help out with kidlet #1 while you're working on kidlet #2, she would have a better direction on which to focus. More luck on ya, --- KarenK Desert Dreamer Designs http://members.cox.net/desertdreameraz/ Ebay Sto http://www.stores.ebay.com/desertdreamerdesigns JustBeads: http://www.justbeads.com/search/ql.cfm?s=DesertDreamer |
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#22
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Your body, your baby, your birth experience...it's your decision. If she
continues to nag/complain about it, just remind her that it's not a reflection on her or your relationship with her, but that you've come to feel that birth is a private experience for you and your husband. -- Barbara www.penguintrax.com eBay: pnguintrax Justbeadsenguintrax 0 /O\ |
#23
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Oh boy, I love giving my opinion!!! LOL.
1. You have a perfect right to ask for people, including your Mom, not to be in the delivery room. She is the one being unreasonable if she does not want to respect your wishes. Delivery is a very private, intense time. 2. It might be nice if you allowed a brief hospital visit. This is your mother's grandchild, after all, and she is excited too. But she has to understand that you, for the most part, would prefer continued privacy. If she wants to stop for an hour, that wouldn't be so unreasonable. If she can't be trusted to respect your wishes and need for peace and quiet, then maybe she shouldn't come. If my daughter would not let me visit her in the hospital after she had a baby, I would be pretty hurt. However, I hope I would be sensitive enough to her needs to limit the time and "volume" if she needed space. 3. Think long and hard about the sterilization. What if, god forbid, you were in an accident and you lost your children. Certainly this is very unlikely, but not impossible. We have some close friends who chose his vasectomy after their second child. Their second child died last year. Now they want to be pregnant again and have reversed the surgery, however, this is not always as simple and successful as one would hope. The bottom line is, they will have to spend about 10,000 dollars for a procedure to have a pregnancy. Again, no guarantees. They are heartbroken and all the problems with getting pregnant just intensify their pain. If you truly are okay with adoption and another pregnancy is dangerous, then you are probably making the right decision. I guess what I am saying is, there is no harm is waiting and using birth control for awhile. It's one hell of a big decision. Sorry you are going through all this BS with your Mom. Hope you can resolve it. It does sound as though she needs to back off and let you liveyour own life a bit more. KathyH "Karlee in Kansas" wrote in message ... Please don't label me as a horrible person for these things, but I would like the input of anyone that has been a "new mom" (even and especially if you have been said new mom more than once). I had a little spat with my mom again. She is upset because the only people that I will allow in the labor and delivery room with me while I'm in the process of bringing Ellie into the world is hospital staff (kept to a minimum....i.e. *no interns or students) and my husband. I don't want everyone and their dog stopping by to check on me and seeing me laid out like a filleted fish. This includes my parents and his parents. (His mom will be lucky if she gets within 5 miles of the hospital) I have watched TLC enough to notice the sheer numbers of people that enjoy watching a baby being born. I understand that it is truly an amazing sight to see, but I don't really feel like having the world look at my private areas....cameras of all types have also been banned (for me at least) during the birthing process. This is a personal choice that I'm making here, and I understand that it does not bother some people, but it bothers me. Mom has her nose out of place because I told her that she and everyone else can wait in the waiting room...I don't want visitors. (*interns and students are part of the cause in how I almost lost my life during my first experience with child birth, and a couple of the student nurses I had during my labor were MUCH less than professional...they giggled at me when the attending CNM lifted the sheet to do an exam to see how far I was dilated.) She thinks that everyone that wants to visit me should be allowed to visit me, that I shouldn't have a problem with people seeing my neither regions during the labor process because, according to her, "the doctors and nurses are going to be coming and going anyway, you should be used to it." Second sore spot with mom falls into the post delivery category. For my duration in the hospital, I only want my kids and husband in there. I don't want a parade of people. Its time for me, baby, kidlet the first, and the new daddy. It is my opinion that they can wait until we get settled at home before they come visit. Again, mom has her nose out of place on this one. She wants to be there to hold Ellie hours after her birth like she was for kidlet the first. I understand her want, but I am going to want to rest and get acquainted with the baby without a three-ring circus going on in the room (Labor is NOT an easy job if memory serves me correctly). Last time I was way groggy after the anesthetic and all people did was make noise and make it near impossible to rest. Staff would not ask them to leave after I requested that they do so. The last sore spot with mom (and the biggest I might add) is the fact that I am requesting surgical sterilization after the birth. DH is going to get "fixed" as well. Both of us see how hard pregnancy is on me and neither one of us want to go through this again. (I have a habit of pre-term labor that is NOT a barrel of monkeys) Both me and DH love and adore children, but my risks of having harder and harder pregnancies increase with each one (according to doc, who btw, is supporting my desire to have a tubal). We agreed that if we want more kids in the future, that we will adopt. (I, for the record, am adopted so I don't understand her issue with this one) Mom thinks that I will regret this decision and shouldn't do it. Do you guys think that I should please the planet by letting people see me in all my glory whilst I feel terribly uncomfortable? Do you guys think that I should let the outside world turn my hospital room into a major hub of activity? Do you think that at 27, after major complications during pregnancy, labor, and delivery, and two kids, that I should reconsider my choice to be sterilized? Opinions are being requested, but flames are not. I'm getting enough heat from my mom on these topics to last a lifetime. TIA, Karlee in Kansas -- Visit my web page! www.angelfire.com/ks3/karlee/index.html Our family page: http://groups.msn.com/brennanfamilypage -- |
#24
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"Karlee, Your mom needs to take a pill. Or, as I've suggested befo
tranquilizer darts. Slip some roofies in her drink, and let her wake up a week later, a cast member in the worldwide tour of "Up with People!" :-)" OMG!! LOL. KathyH |
#25
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In what way does a tubal ligation damage one's health? I had it done 19 yrs. ago at age 27 and have had no after effects at all. take care, Linda On Wed, 16 Jul 2003 08:15:54 GMT, "Christina Peterson" wrote: But 27 is still very young to be certain that she will never remarry and wish for children. The biggest consideration is that it might damage her health. What I really hesitate to say though, is that coming from a family with such trauma as she has told us of quite often, limiting children is also a good idea. Tina Vancouver Island, bc.ca (remove 'nospam' to reply) See samples of my work at: www.members.shaw.ca/deugau |
#27
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In article ,
says... Karlee, I've never had children but this isn't about that. It's a boundary issue. This is about *your* body, *your* pain, *your* wishes and *your* choices. Anyone who can't respect your right to set boundaries where they are comfortable for you regarding issues as personal as childbirth and fertility is being selfish and childish. Your mom may be your mom, but you are an adult, and at the moment she is treating you like property, not like a thinking, feeling, capable human being. I would simply tell her that these issues aren't up for discussion and remove them from the table. Kindly and politely decline involvement in further discussion on these issues and avoid getting drawn into arguments with your mom about this. It really isn't her business, and you do not need the added stress at this time. You have every right to make your own decisions about this and to be as firm as necessary in making sure those decisions are respected. Bingo! Laura, you've nailed this one. It's NOT about the pregnancy, or the labor and childbirth, or the sterilization. It's all about ownership. Does Karlee own her body and her life, or are they her mother's? That's the base issue here. Celine -- Handmade jewelry at http://www.rubylane.com/shops/starcat "Only the powers of evil claim that doing good is boring." -- Diane Duane, _Nightfall at Algemron_ |
#28
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Karlee, this is solely your decision - your mother needs to respect
your wishes for this birth. It's not like she wasn't there before, so she has had the experience of being there for a grandchild's birth - let her sit this one out. Btw, I think your choices are wonderful and absolutely valid - if I were ever (never! ) to have a child, I would make the same requests. It's your body and your baby and your labor, not anyone else's. I think, FWIW, that it's important that you stand fast in your wishes so that you can have the experience be just like you want it to be. |
#29
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I got yelled at by my mom because I was in hella pain and making it known
that I was rather uncomfortable with each contraction (this is before the relief of my epidural). Mom said "Quit yelling about it. It doesn't hurt THAT bad" This totally cracked me up (in a not-nice way) -- How the hell would she know? As you said, she never had a kid, you were adopted! Jeeeeez ~~ Sooz ------- ESBC ~ Dr. Sooz's Bead Links http://airandearth.netfirms.com/soozlinkslist.html ~ Bead Notes: Beading information A - Z http://www.lampwork.net/beadnotes.html |
#30
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I just don't want some nursing student that has never had kidlets to be
giggling at my pain AND my privates like the first time around. I was insulted, hurt, still in pain, and threw a bed pan at one of them. No, I didn't miss. I loooove this. And if you think about it, they were probably giggling because they were uncomfortable. Screw 'em. Good for you for hurling something at them. (And hitting the target) ~~ Sooz ------- ESBC ~ Dr. Sooz's Bead Links http://airandearth.netfirms.com/soozlinkslist.html ~ Bead Notes: Beading information A - Z http://www.lampwork.net/beadnotes.html |
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