Panic Attack Time

In article 1078779977.907139@prawn, says...

It probably is intended to be taken personally. But YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BUY
INTO THEIR AGENDA. You can choose not to.

It's not quick or easy. But you need to make the goal be something than can
be accomplished -- a change in yourself, and, as Pete says, "taking back
your power". If the goal is to change her, you haven't got a hope in hell.
This is the first thing you hear in AlAnon, and from a good psychologist.

Absolutely true -- the only way to win this game is not to play. The change I
chose to make was effectively closing my parents out of any but the most
superficial contact with my life. Since I was happy with it, and with myself,
and they weren't, it was really the only choice to be made.

Then, of course, they complained about how I never TOLD them anything about my
life... but that was fighting on ground *I* had chosen, and there was no way
they could win because they had no ammunition.

Celine

--
Handmade jewelry at http://www.rubylane.com/shops/starcat
"Only the powers of evil claim that doing good is boring."
-- Diane Duane, _Nightfall at Algemron_

Exactly. Don't stand for it. Don't let people treat you this way. The
longer you enable their behavior, the harder it is to get them to stop.

--
Kandice Seeber
Air & Earth Designs
http://www.lampwork.net

It probably is intended to be taken personally. But YOU DO NOT HAVE TO
BUY
INTO THEIR AGENDA. You can choose not to.

It's not quick or easy. But you need to make the goal be something than
can
be accomplished -- a change in yourself, and, as Pete says, "taking back
your power". If the goal is to change her, you haven't got a hope in
hell.
This is the first thing you hear in AlAnon, and from a good psychologist.

Tina


"Lee S. Billings" ...

..................And yes, that *is* personal, and intended to be taken
personally. I
got it from my parents, not my in-laws, but the principle is exactly the
same.

Say vaguely, "Oh, I have a brush around here somewhere if you want to
take care of it..."

My first MIL tried to tell me how to wash the dishes. I wash them under
running water. I always have, I always will. I do not fill the sink with
sudsy water and then rinse, I rinse as I go.

I stopped washing the dishes. The End. We had a number of little
clashes, but in the end we respected each other (until I divorced her
little boy, anyway!)

I know you're dealing with someone who intimidates you, and that sucks.
Still, if you can come up with ways to restore the balance of power, it
would be really good for you.

-Kalera

starlia wrote:

I was thinking --- have you ever seen what would actually happen if you

didn't

dust and she came over?

NOT what Dan said she'd do -- what she would really DO.
~~

Walk right out of the house. She's done it before.

The first thing I was told this afternoon was the toilet isn't clean. That
was in the first 5 minutes of our visit.

She would absolutely think I live in a state of squalor. Crayons
everywhere, balls of dog hair under the furniture, Tupperware and shoes
all over the floor, bits of paper, video games, baskets of seed packets
and pieces of paper with phone numbers and recipes on them, beads and
cabochons all over the kitchen... our assistant used to make snotty
comments on how cluttered it is, and then we fired him. It's not
dirty, but we don't have time to clean, bottom line. I could have
cleaned the floor this morning instead of helping my daughter with her
poster for school, but what fun would that have been? My daughter
wouldn't have a fond memory of Mommy sweeping and vaccuuming, but she
has one of Mommy cutting out pictures of the family and taping them to
her poster.

-Kalera

starlia wrote:

I'm sure if she had arrived earlier she would have needed a coffin.

"AmazeR" wrote in message
news
On Fri, 05 Mar 2004 23:55:27 -0500, Kathy N-V wrote:


If you can't do those things, don't worry. Feel free to vent right

here,

we're on your side. (BTW, if she saw my house, she'd need CPR!)

Kathy N-V


LOL... If she saw mine - she'd need a coffin!! LOL

NO MORE MIL to panic about...

Mavis

My daughter
wouldn't have a fond memory of Mommy sweeping and vaccuuming, but she
has one of Mommy cutting out pictures of the family and taping them to
her poster.

Amen.

The Blessed Fiddy, Patroness Saint of the Disorganized
LC in Sunny So Cal
Personality Development Specialist (Full-Time Mom!)

Righteous!

-Kalera

Tinkster wrote:

Still... That whole "You can't/won't do it so I, the long-suffering
MIL, must do it for you" martyr-type thing just doesn't sit well with
me. I'm just old and cranky, I guess.

I used to bust my ass for people, but got over that long ago. And I
don't want someone visiting me and spending the whole time doing
things they "think" I should have done. If I ask for help with
something, that's one thing. To just horn in and take over my space is
another thing altogether, and is not appreciated..

If you want to visit me, visit me. If you want to clean, stay home or
visit someone else. Don't try to guilt me or make me feel bad by
making a show of "fixing" my space or my life. It's mine,
thankyouverymuch, and I'd appreciate your leaving it alone.

Some people seem to live solely for the opportunity to make others
feel bad/inadequate. Screw them.

Tink out

On Sun, 07 Mar 2004 07:13:18 GMT, "Christina Peterson"
wrote:


Yes, but....

If MIL can't stand the "mess" and is willing to clean it, I say go for it.
And then send her over here to my bathroom.

Yes. It's just a power trip. My best friend's mom thinks her house is
disgusting and doesn't like to hang out there. (In the defense of both
parties, it's a terribly old house that was gutted by fire in the
1920's, and then remodeled - cheaply - to house college students in the
1970's. After 25 years of being a slum, it's in pretty bad shape, but my
friend *does* keep it clean and is slowly restoring it!) Her mom's
solution; just don't hang out there. She makes sure they hang out
elsewhere. And, since it bothers her, she gives Christmas and birthday
gifts in the form of home-improvement; a new carpet here, some
wainscoting there. It's coming along, and nobody has to be miserable.

-Kalera

Kandice Seeber wrote:

Nope, I don't agree. It's not MIL's place to clean Starlia's house. It's
presumptuous and rude. She should be pleased for a place to stay, and if she
can't stand the mess, she can stay somewhere else.