Re: My Kids (long and not at all happy) [Archive]

CLP

July 10th 03, 08:32 PM

Maybe your daughter could use some of these - they made me laugh and my
daughter cringe!:
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
"Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/"

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Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However,
in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her
throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks
homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy
near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear
voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return
to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face
at the window is mine.

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"Kathy Nicklas-Varraso" > wrote in message
.com...
> Besides my daughter and my part time daughter, I am "Auntie Kath" to more
> teenagers than I can count. Today, three of them got in contact with me,
all
> with different requests. I'm nonplussed, amused and wanted to share the
> experiences with you.
>
> 1. Part time daughter's older sister is scheduled to get her driver's
> license in two weeks. She says that driving with her mother makes her
> nervous, and could I be her sponsor for the driving test? I've taught
many a
> child to drive, and of course I'll be her sponsor. I'd bet the guys at
the
> Registry of Motor Vehicles were wondering where I'd been, anyway.
>
> 2. One of DD's classmates, a smart boy who is 14 years old, called in a
> dither. He talked with DD for a while, and then she asked me to pick up
the
> extension. He just found out that he will be repeating the seventh grade,
> and was upset and angry. I asked him why he had to repeat. His answer
took
> me aback, perhaps because I wasn't expecting such honesty.
>
> "I got straight "F's" all four terms because I didn't feel like doing
> homework or classwork. I was having a good time getting stoned" (in his
> case, smoking pot.)
>
> I talked about the fact that stuff happens sometimes, and that if he
> absolutely had to smoke pot, it would be a much better idea to do so when

> school was over and his homework was done. (Yelling at him for smoking pot
> won't do a lot of good at this point) Failing and having to repeat a grade
is
> a logical consequence for not doing any work, and that the school was not
> "picking on him."
>
> I told him that I am disappointed in him, and that I wish he had come to
me
> before things got so bad, although having to repeat one grade isn't
exactly
> the end of the world, and if he works hard, this need not effect his life,
> long term. For now, he's going to summer remedial classes, and in
September,
> he is welcome to come to our house every day after school to do
schoolwork.
>
> We talked for a long time, with DD listening closely on the extension (she
> always listens to these conversations). He has a lot going on, and no
real
> supervision. (Dad is gone, mom works and leaves him under the nominal
> supervision of much older brothers, who are both unemployed and are the
> source of his drugs) We talked about finding better parental substitutes
and
> role models, and he'll be coming by to spend some time with DH and my FIL.
I
> hope we can help him, though we can't take him in like P/T D. At least
he'll
> know that there are some adults who care, and he'll get some time with
adult
> men who aren't (pardon the term) losers. He seems to need that, more than
> another mom.
>
> 3. The last call came shortly before bedtime. Another fourteen year old
boy
> went to a party*, got drunk, and had a friend give him a haircut. It came
> out as well as you might expect. His parents are angry, have grounded
him,
> and aren't letting him get a professional haircut to repair the other one.
>
> I explained that this is something you have to expect when you drink, and
> that I understand his parents' feelings. (I think they're right, and that
the
> punishment is spot-on) We talked about the dangers of drinking,
especially
> binge drinking, and gave him my standard carte blanche invitation: if
he's
> drinking or stoned, and he realizes he's in way over his head, he is
welcome
> to call here at any time, and we'll come get him. I'd rather his parents
> have a live son to be upset with than one who came to grief.
>
> Tomorrow, I'll call his mom at work and just let her know that I spoke to
her
> son and that I support her 100%, and to ask her permission about the "free
> ride home, no questions asked."
>
> ------
>
> The last two situations make me sad, but they provided teaching
opportunities
> for my girls. DD was worried that I would now think that the two boys
> involved were "bad kids," and forbid her to be friends with them. I told
her
> that they were being stupid, but that kind of stupid goes with
adolescence,
> and that I hope they outgrow it. We talked once again why my girls aren't
> allowed to go to unsupervised parties, and speculated how bad their hair
> would look if a drunken friend got ahold of it.
>
> I reiterated my "free ride home" policy, and we talked about my "easy out"
> for the girls: they are more than welcome to blame us for any situation
that
> they want to refuse. If there's a party going on, and they are afraid to
say
> that they don't want to go (and therefore appear to be geeky), they can
blame
> DH or me at any time: "My parents are much too strict to let me do X."
>
> DD laughed. "Oh Mama, I've been using that one for _years!_ That's why
all
> the boys are afraid to try anything with me -- P/T D and I tell everyone
that
> Daddy's a psycho and an Italian Father, and that he'd kill anyone who
looked
> at us the wrong way."
>
> DH looked less than thrilled, but he's happy to play the part if it keeps
his
> girls safe.
>
> I can't figure out what's harder: being a teenager or being the concerned
> parent of a teenager. (Actually, I can figure it out -- being a teenager
is
> much harder)
>
> Jeanne H., I think I'm channeling you right now!
>
> Kathy N-V
>
> * Parties like this are off limits because things get out of control so
> quickly. Binge drinking can become alcohol poisoning, and I worry about
> kids getting behind the wheel. (A lot of these parties have older teens
> behind them, buying the liquor and drugs, and providing transportation)
>
> We've also talked about the danger such parties provide to girls: date
rape
> and gang rape almost always take place when far too much alcohol has been
> consumed. If they ever find themselves at a party and don't want to leave
> (although I hope they'd call me or one of the other people who've agreed
to
> do this: my sister, her husband, my FIL, P/T D's mother), they are to
keep a
> close eye on one another. No rule is more important -- make sure they
touch
> base every five minutes at the longest.
>